Sunday, January 18, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Hillary Clinton-A Goddess Walks Among Us
Hillary Clinton. The name evokes so much awe from me. To me, she is not just a mere woman, she is a legend, a goddess...just like she said about herself in her first autobiography, she is "living history". And yet, she's so personable and so "one of us". And I am glad that she is also my friend. So that is why I am glad to say that I have exclusively here on Hippie Liberal Feminist an excerpt from her new most recent autobiography "Hillary Clinton-A Goddess Walks Among Us". The following excerpt is fom her first chapter.
Much like Jesus, I was born into very meager beginnings. My father was but a poor steel tycoon, and my mother was a simple-minded sexual dominatrix who would mercilessly beat our servants. But one thing was common: their undying love and support for us, their children, as long as we humiliated our peers and were successful.
I’m not saying that I was born by immaculate conception, but what I am saying is this. Definitely God or Jesus or whoever the hot deity is at the moment clearly smiled upon me. I was blessed with much more intelligence, beauty, athleticism, and humility than the average person. I believe I was personally selected by God to lead the people of America into the 21st century and beyond (I am going to have myself cryogenically frozen in the year 2030 so that I can resurrect and lead people in the year 2100 as well.) And Bill, my husband who I love unconditionally and in no way want to divorce even after he cheated on me with that slut bitch Monica Lewinsky (God, I want to smash her face in with a pipe wrench), supports me one hundred percent.
What do the American people want? They want me. Clearly, like mentally retarded infants, the American people don’t know what’s good for themselves. But fortunately, I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am here to save the day. I know what’s best for them.
Religion for example: I plan to abolish religion because it enslaves people. Most people wouldn’t agree with this, but I know that it does enslave people, so I would begin by demolishing all churches. And in their place, I would build centers for tolerance and racial equality. We would train people to accept all forms of life and cultures. If they did not do this, they would be executed. Because in order to spread tolerance and acceptance, we must punish those who do not believe in it.
There is still so much discrimination against homosexual, bisexual, and transgendered persons living in the world today. That is why at one of my sexual reassignment and reprogramming centers, we would spread the message of tolerance for alternative sexuality by randomly reassigning citizens to get a sex change. That’s right, much like the draft, one lucky individual will be selected to be forced to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. This will help eliminate discrimination against homosexuals, bisexuals, and transsexuals. Not only that, but it will also help eliminate discrimination against wymyn.
What about meat? Meat is murder. But do you know what else is murder? Vegetables. Yes, vegetables is murder. Literally millions of plants are slaughtered each year so that we may eat them. Vegetables like corn, wheat, and blueberries are raised in over-crowded conditions, where mobility is severely restricted. They are forced to live outdoors, exposed to all kinds of weather conditions like extreme heat, frost, and extreme dampness. And then they are harvested by machines that brutally slaughter them. That’s why I have formed PETP, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants.
Not only that, but what of the alternative sexual plants and animals? They are discriminated against too. Ever hear of a lesbian Pine tree? How about a gay tomato plant? Yes they do exist. What about a pedophile honeybee that likes to mate with bee larva? That’s why at my centers for tolerance, I would prosecute, for example, any honeybee that discriminates against any honeybee for sexual orientation. I would put this honeybee on trial, and sentence it in a court of law. The bee would be found guilty, and would be put in bee jail. The same goes true for spider monkeys, eucalyptus trees, and barn owls. Mushrooms are tricky because they have as many as 4 different sexes. But I have teams of lawyers working overtime to research that issue as well and come up with a legal solution. So you better watch your ass, bread mold, I’ve got my eye on you. Just because you’re not a part of the animal or plant kingdom doesn’t mean that you’re getting off free.
So there you have it. A selection from the one and only Hillary.
Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself Liberal Feminist Hippie.
Much like Jesus, I was born into very meager beginnings. My father was but a poor steel tycoon, and my mother was a simple-minded sexual dominatrix who would mercilessly beat our servants. But one thing was common: their undying love and support for us, their children, as long as we humiliated our peers and were successful.
I’m not saying that I was born by immaculate conception, but what I am saying is this. Definitely God or Jesus or whoever the hot deity is at the moment clearly smiled upon me. I was blessed with much more intelligence, beauty, athleticism, and humility than the average person. I believe I was personally selected by God to lead the people of America into the 21st century and beyond (I am going to have myself cryogenically frozen in the year 2030 so that I can resurrect and lead people in the year 2100 as well.) And Bill, my husband who I love unconditionally and in no way want to divorce even after he cheated on me with that slut bitch Monica Lewinsky (God, I want to smash her face in with a pipe wrench), supports me one hundred percent.
What do the American people want? They want me. Clearly, like mentally retarded infants, the American people don’t know what’s good for themselves. But fortunately, I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am here to save the day. I know what’s best for them.
Religion for example: I plan to abolish religion because it enslaves people. Most people wouldn’t agree with this, but I know that it does enslave people, so I would begin by demolishing all churches. And in their place, I would build centers for tolerance and racial equality. We would train people to accept all forms of life and cultures. If they did not do this, they would be executed. Because in order to spread tolerance and acceptance, we must punish those who do not believe in it.
There is still so much discrimination against homosexual, bisexual, and transgendered persons living in the world today. That is why at one of my sexual reassignment and reprogramming centers, we would spread the message of tolerance for alternative sexuality by randomly reassigning citizens to get a sex change. That’s right, much like the draft, one lucky individual will be selected to be forced to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. This will help eliminate discrimination against homosexuals, bisexuals, and transsexuals. Not only that, but it will also help eliminate discrimination against wymyn.
What about meat? Meat is murder. But do you know what else is murder? Vegetables. Yes, vegetables is murder. Literally millions of plants are slaughtered each year so that we may eat them. Vegetables like corn, wheat, and blueberries are raised in over-crowded conditions, where mobility is severely restricted. They are forced to live outdoors, exposed to all kinds of weather conditions like extreme heat, frost, and extreme dampness. And then they are harvested by machines that brutally slaughter them. That’s why I have formed PETP, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants.
Not only that, but what of the alternative sexual plants and animals? They are discriminated against too. Ever hear of a lesbian Pine tree? How about a gay tomato plant? Yes they do exist. What about a pedophile honeybee that likes to mate with bee larva? That’s why at my centers for tolerance, I would prosecute, for example, any honeybee that discriminates against any honeybee for sexual orientation. I would put this honeybee on trial, and sentence it in a court of law. The bee would be found guilty, and would be put in bee jail. The same goes true for spider monkeys, eucalyptus trees, and barn owls. Mushrooms are tricky because they have as many as 4 different sexes. But I have teams of lawyers working overtime to research that issue as well and come up with a legal solution. So you better watch your ass, bread mold, I’ve got my eye on you. Just because you’re not a part of the animal or plant kingdom doesn’t mean that you’re getting off free.
So there you have it. A selection from the one and only Hillary.
Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself Liberal Feminist Hippie.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Being John McCain
I've recently heard that John McCain's vice-presidential pick, Sarah Palin, has a 17 year-old daughter who is pregnant. Well, who's the hypocrite now? Who's the father, by the way? Surprise, it's John McCain. That's right, John McCain is the father. What a hypocrite! All the time he's trying to take away women's freedom of choice. He's working overtime to take away your right to have an abortion during the first trimester. He's working on taking your right to have an abortion during the 2nd and 3rd trimester as well. He's even working hard on taking away your right to have an abortion even after your baby is born. The nerve! I think you should keep your laws off my body. And if I want to get out of responsibility for my past actions, then that's my right! This is typical of the white Anglo-Saxon protestant status-quo...always trying to put down women.
John McCain is the father...that's right! You see, this is all a part of a scheme to propogate his DNA through the generations, so that John McCain can live through generations forever. Once his baby is born, John McCain will swim upstream and die, but his soul will live on through Sarah Palin's daughter's baby.
But wait a minute...if John McCain dies, then how can he be president? No problem...he has created a full life-size programmable cyborg of himself to be used in case of his death...and that will be our new president. And then, in the future again, John McCain will rise to be president as Sarah Palin's daughter's child, who is really John McCain incarnate, takes over as president once again.
Well that is all for now. This is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off. Accept no imitators! There is a rival blogger named Liberal Feminist Hippie. She is my arch-nemesis. She is a full time abortion rights activist just like me. She is also a full-time bitch. I hate her. Please don't listen to her. She lies.
John McCain is the father...that's right! You see, this is all a part of a scheme to propogate his DNA through the generations, so that John McCain can live through generations forever. Once his baby is born, John McCain will swim upstream and die, but his soul will live on through Sarah Palin's daughter's baby.
But wait a minute...if John McCain dies, then how can he be president? No problem...he has created a full life-size programmable cyborg of himself to be used in case of his death...and that will be our new president. And then, in the future again, John McCain will rise to be president as Sarah Palin's daughter's child, who is really John McCain incarnate, takes over as president once again.
Well that is all for now. This is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off. Accept no imitators! There is a rival blogger named Liberal Feminist Hippie. She is my arch-nemesis. She is a full time abortion rights activist just like me. She is also a full-time bitch. I hate her. Please don't listen to her. She lies.
It's All Bush's Fault
I see that Hurricane Gustav is slamming into the Gulf Coast. This is the umpteenth major hurricane to strike the Gulf Coast in the last 3 years. And what has the Bush administration done? Nothing. George Bush plays golf all day long while the country is burning outisde of the gates of the exclusive Whites-only country club that he belongs to. The country club that he belongs to is so pro-white, that they don't even serve fried chicken or watermelon. You won't find tacos, or burritos, you'll only find good ole boy food like sauteed chicken and chicken wraps.
If you ask me, this whole hurricane business is a government conspiracy. The government created Hurricane Gustav in order to eliminate blacks and homosexuals. I saw a late night news report where FEMA was actually evacuating all the blacks INTO New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. And then they told all the gays in West Hollywood and San Francisco, California, that Donna Summer was performing live in Baton Rouge, so all the gays flocked there as well. All these places are right in the path of Gustav. Once all the blacks and gays were inside all the Gulf Coast cities, FEMA and the National Guard came, and SLAM, the gates were shut, and all the people were locked inside. This is how openly racist and homophobic the Bush administration is.
Even the hurricane name is no accident. Gustav? It's a Russian name. It's also Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin's middle name. The full name of Hurricane Gustav is actually Hurricane Vladimir Gustav Putin. (It's just another desperate ploy by the Bush administration to stir up anti-Russian sentiment so that he can recruit support for a war in Russia, so he and his fat-cat oil and weapons CEO cronies can make out with cash like bandits.) As everybody knows, the national weather service is just a puppet organization for the Bush administration run by George Bush's cousin, Bernard Bush. In fact, back in 2000, the national weather service made it rain in Florida, so that all the old people would be scared into staying at home and not voting. And, as everybody also knows, next to death, robots, and being forgotten about by their children, rain is the thing that old people fear the most. Why? Because their adult diapers soak up all the moisture and weigh them down. Furthermore, their adult diapers can soak up so much water and get so heavy that it will actually crush their legs and they can actually die. It happens all the time, but the mainstream conservative media won't report on it. (read about it in my next blog-"Can rain kill old people? It Depends.")
Well that is all for today. Until next time, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off. And as always, I'll be fighting for your right to have an abortion at any time, even up to your fetuses 18th year.
If you ask me, this whole hurricane business is a government conspiracy. The government created Hurricane Gustav in order to eliminate blacks and homosexuals. I saw a late night news report where FEMA was actually evacuating all the blacks INTO New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. And then they told all the gays in West Hollywood and San Francisco, California, that Donna Summer was performing live in Baton Rouge, so all the gays flocked there as well. All these places are right in the path of Gustav. Once all the blacks and gays were inside all the Gulf Coast cities, FEMA and the National Guard came, and SLAM, the gates were shut, and all the people were locked inside. This is how openly racist and homophobic the Bush administration is.
Even the hurricane name is no accident. Gustav? It's a Russian name. It's also Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin's middle name. The full name of Hurricane Gustav is actually Hurricane Vladimir Gustav Putin. (It's just another desperate ploy by the Bush administration to stir up anti-Russian sentiment so that he can recruit support for a war in Russia, so he and his fat-cat oil and weapons CEO cronies can make out with cash like bandits.) As everybody knows, the national weather service is just a puppet organization for the Bush administration run by George Bush's cousin, Bernard Bush. In fact, back in 2000, the national weather service made it rain in Florida, so that all the old people would be scared into staying at home and not voting. And, as everybody also knows, next to death, robots, and being forgotten about by their children, rain is the thing that old people fear the most. Why? Because their adult diapers soak up all the moisture and weigh them down. Furthermore, their adult diapers can soak up so much water and get so heavy that it will actually crush their legs and they can actually die. It happens all the time, but the mainstream conservative media won't report on it. (read about it in my next blog-"Can rain kill old people? It Depends.")
Well that is all for today. Until next time, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off. And as always, I'll be fighting for your right to have an abortion at any time, even up to your fetuses 18th year.
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