Sunday, January 18, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Hillary Clinton-A Goddess Walks Among Us
Hillary Clinton. The name evokes so much awe from me. To me, she is not just a mere woman, she is a legend, a goddess...just like she said about herself in her first autobiography, she is "living history". And yet, she's so personable and so "one of us". And I am glad that she is also my friend. So that is why I am glad to say that I have exclusively here on Hippie Liberal Feminist an excerpt from her new most recent autobiography "Hillary Clinton-A Goddess Walks Among Us". The following excerpt is fom her first chapter.
Much like Jesus, I was born into very meager beginnings. My father was but a poor steel tycoon, and my mother was a simple-minded sexual dominatrix who would mercilessly beat our servants. But one thing was common: their undying love and support for us, their children, as long as we humiliated our peers and were successful.
I’m not saying that I was born by immaculate conception, but what I am saying is this. Definitely God or Jesus or whoever the hot deity is at the moment clearly smiled upon me. I was blessed with much more intelligence, beauty, athleticism, and humility than the average person. I believe I was personally selected by God to lead the people of America into the 21st century and beyond (I am going to have myself cryogenically frozen in the year 2030 so that I can resurrect and lead people in the year 2100 as well.) And Bill, my husband who I love unconditionally and in no way want to divorce even after he cheated on me with that slut bitch Monica Lewinsky (God, I want to smash her face in with a pipe wrench), supports me one hundred percent.
What do the American people want? They want me. Clearly, like mentally retarded infants, the American people don’t know what’s good for themselves. But fortunately, I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am here to save the day. I know what’s best for them.
Religion for example: I plan to abolish religion because it enslaves people. Most people wouldn’t agree with this, but I know that it does enslave people, so I would begin by demolishing all churches. And in their place, I would build centers for tolerance and racial equality. We would train people to accept all forms of life and cultures. If they did not do this, they would be executed. Because in order to spread tolerance and acceptance, we must punish those who do not believe in it.
There is still so much discrimination against homosexual, bisexual, and transgendered persons living in the world today. That is why at one of my sexual reassignment and reprogramming centers, we would spread the message of tolerance for alternative sexuality by randomly reassigning citizens to get a sex change. That’s right, much like the draft, one lucky individual will be selected to be forced to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. This will help eliminate discrimination against homosexuals, bisexuals, and transsexuals. Not only that, but it will also help eliminate discrimination against wymyn.
What about meat? Meat is murder. But do you know what else is murder? Vegetables. Yes, vegetables is murder. Literally millions of plants are slaughtered each year so that we may eat them. Vegetables like corn, wheat, and blueberries are raised in over-crowded conditions, where mobility is severely restricted. They are forced to live outdoors, exposed to all kinds of weather conditions like extreme heat, frost, and extreme dampness. And then they are harvested by machines that brutally slaughter them. That’s why I have formed PETP, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants.
Not only that, but what of the alternative sexual plants and animals? They are discriminated against too. Ever hear of a lesbian Pine tree? How about a gay tomato plant? Yes they do exist. What about a pedophile honeybee that likes to mate with bee larva? That’s why at my centers for tolerance, I would prosecute, for example, any honeybee that discriminates against any honeybee for sexual orientation. I would put this honeybee on trial, and sentence it in a court of law. The bee would be found guilty, and would be put in bee jail. The same goes true for spider monkeys, eucalyptus trees, and barn owls. Mushrooms are tricky because they have as many as 4 different sexes. But I have teams of lawyers working overtime to research that issue as well and come up with a legal solution. So you better watch your ass, bread mold, I’ve got my eye on you. Just because you’re not a part of the animal or plant kingdom doesn’t mean that you’re getting off free.
So there you have it. A selection from the one and only Hillary.
Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself Liberal Feminist Hippie.
Much like Jesus, I was born into very meager beginnings. My father was but a poor steel tycoon, and my mother was a simple-minded sexual dominatrix who would mercilessly beat our servants. But one thing was common: their undying love and support for us, their children, as long as we humiliated our peers and were successful.
I’m not saying that I was born by immaculate conception, but what I am saying is this. Definitely God or Jesus or whoever the hot deity is at the moment clearly smiled upon me. I was blessed with much more intelligence, beauty, athleticism, and humility than the average person. I believe I was personally selected by God to lead the people of America into the 21st century and beyond (I am going to have myself cryogenically frozen in the year 2030 so that I can resurrect and lead people in the year 2100 as well.) And Bill, my husband who I love unconditionally and in no way want to divorce even after he cheated on me with that slut bitch Monica Lewinsky (God, I want to smash her face in with a pipe wrench), supports me one hundred percent.
What do the American people want? They want me. Clearly, like mentally retarded infants, the American people don’t know what’s good for themselves. But fortunately, I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am here to save the day. I know what’s best for them.
Religion for example: I plan to abolish religion because it enslaves people. Most people wouldn’t agree with this, but I know that it does enslave people, so I would begin by demolishing all churches. And in their place, I would build centers for tolerance and racial equality. We would train people to accept all forms of life and cultures. If they did not do this, they would be executed. Because in order to spread tolerance and acceptance, we must punish those who do not believe in it.
There is still so much discrimination against homosexual, bisexual, and transgendered persons living in the world today. That is why at one of my sexual reassignment and reprogramming centers, we would spread the message of tolerance for alternative sexuality by randomly reassigning citizens to get a sex change. That’s right, much like the draft, one lucky individual will be selected to be forced to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. This will help eliminate discrimination against homosexuals, bisexuals, and transsexuals. Not only that, but it will also help eliminate discrimination against wymyn.
What about meat? Meat is murder. But do you know what else is murder? Vegetables. Yes, vegetables is murder. Literally millions of plants are slaughtered each year so that we may eat them. Vegetables like corn, wheat, and blueberries are raised in over-crowded conditions, where mobility is severely restricted. They are forced to live outdoors, exposed to all kinds of weather conditions like extreme heat, frost, and extreme dampness. And then they are harvested by machines that brutally slaughter them. That’s why I have formed PETP, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants.
Not only that, but what of the alternative sexual plants and animals? They are discriminated against too. Ever hear of a lesbian Pine tree? How about a gay tomato plant? Yes they do exist. What about a pedophile honeybee that likes to mate with bee larva? That’s why at my centers for tolerance, I would prosecute, for example, any honeybee that discriminates against any honeybee for sexual orientation. I would put this honeybee on trial, and sentence it in a court of law. The bee would be found guilty, and would be put in bee jail. The same goes true for spider monkeys, eucalyptus trees, and barn owls. Mushrooms are tricky because they have as many as 4 different sexes. But I have teams of lawyers working overtime to research that issue as well and come up with a legal solution. So you better watch your ass, bread mold, I’ve got my eye on you. Just because you’re not a part of the animal or plant kingdom doesn’t mean that you’re getting off free.
So there you have it. A selection from the one and only Hillary.
Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself Liberal Feminist Hippie.
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