Don't Rape Ape

Now when it comes to the military and the service members, everybody knows I'm not a big fan. Sexual assaults and harassments are on the rise exponentially everyday. Recently I read in my favorite internet news source, the San Francisco Liberal Reactionary, that over one out of three all service members get raped at some point in their career. But the news gets worse. With many taking muscle supplements and working out more, testosterone levels are increasing and that number is expected to quadruple in the next 10 to 15 years. So in other words, by 2030, 4 out of 3 service members will be raped. Last year alone, over 1 billion in the US military were raped. Some military leaders believe that rapes are under-reported. Others believe that they are over-reported. I believe that not only are rapes under-reported, but the term rape is under-defined. If a superior yells at you, is that not a case of rape of the ears? If a person looks at you funny, is that not rape of the eyes? If a person smells bad, is he not raping your nose? I believe it is. That is why when I was at the gym the other day and somebody who was sweaty walked by me, I immediately shouted "Rape! Rape! Help! This man is fucking my nose! Help! Police! Stop this man from fucking my nose!"

The military only encourages this with its laddish behavior. Rape indoctrination begins at basic training where recruits run through obstacle courses and rape life-size models of the Taliban and Al Qaeda. Then they promptly return to their training centers where their sergeant instructors rape them. Then they go to the chow hall where they rape their food. You might commonly hear some service members say, "Oh, I just got my orders and I just got raped." One who is unfamiliar with the terminology might take this as a casual metaphor to a brutal crime. But in fact, it is not a metaphor, but rather, a veritable confession! So the next time you hear someone say, "I got raped.", immediately get them a warm blanket and some hot cocoa, and tell them, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." and comfort them.

Rape has become such an institutional problem in the military, that they have now come up with a new program to get service-members off the rape kick and on to other activities. That's why the genius at the public affairs office have come up with a new mascot. He is a giant friendly ape and he is called "Don't Rape Ape". He goes around visiting units and tells them, "Instead of raping people, how about you go for a nice picnic instead?" or "Rape less and exercise more!"

Well as always this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off!

Everybody Must Get Droned

Finally, the age of mindless, soulless killing machines has arrived. Drone warfare is in full effect, and it's an evil strategy that was started by Bush. Barack Obama is trying to stop it, but as President of the US, you can only do so much. It's just like when the IRS was "supposedly" targeting political enemies of Barack Obama...which I see nothing wrong with by the way. His enemies were conservative Republicans and they deserved it. But Barack Obama said, in his defense, that he was "not aware of it." When he says he didn't know, he didn't know! You can't expect him to be responsible for everything that happens under his leadership.

The effects of the Bush regime are still resonating throughout the government, even almost 5 years after his end of term. His conservative legacy still lasts in many states. Recently, for example, Arkansas enacted a law limiting abortions to only before 12 weeks. I say this is an outrage. We liberals from San Francisco (but weren't born in San Francisco) need to storm the state of Arkansas and tell them what's what. We need to tell them what to do and how to live their lives since they are clearly incapable of doing so themselves. I say that we need to mandate that abortion remain legal not only to the 12th week, but up to and past the 40th week! And perhaps even beyond! I say we require that abortion be legal until your fetuses 35th year. That's right, if your fetus is 34 years old and not a successful high profile civil rights attorney like you wanted him to be, then it's time to take your fetus on a trip to Unplanned Parenthood and have him visit Mr. Vacuum Cleaner.

But the drone debate is heating up. Drones are killing innocent wymyn and chyldryn in Afghanistan and Pakistan. But yet these are the same people who are seeking to stop abortions and a wymyn's right to choose because they ironically call themselves "pro-life". If they are so pro-life, then how can they support the mass murder of innocent children?

The drone controversy however, took another curious turn when Barack Obama recently spoke out in defense of drones. Now that Barack Obama has spoken out in defense of drones, this has forced me to re-evaluate my opinion. Because whatever Obama says, I do. So because Obama thinks that drones aren't all bad, now I don't think they're all bad. I think drones do have some potential, especially when it comes to protecting wymyn's rights. That's why I think we should re-program drones to perform abortions.

That's why I propose we install drones not with smart bombs or remote control bombs, but with a new abortion technique that I copyrighted called "Baby Blaster". I say we retrofit drones not with missiles or bombs that murder innocent wymyn and chyldryn, but with laser beams that perform abortions. In other words, I propose we use drones to commit abortions. This is a peaceful use for drones.

As always, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off...

Rapid Fire Commentary

This week, I'm going to forego the usual blog entry format and try something new. I'm going to quickly comment on current events in a rapid fire manner. I'm going to inflict on you, the public, my views on what is happening in our world right now.

A few months ago, there was a huge debate in Texas about requiring all mothers considering abortion to get a sonogram before they commit to a decision (http://news.yahoo.com/tampons-confiscated-guns-allowed-texas-senate-debates-abortion-203200591.html?bcmt=comments-postbox). There was a huge demonstration in Austin at the capital where protestors, many of whom were handing out tampons, had those tampons confiscated. Meanwhile guns are still legal. This is total bullshit. But I would expect nothing less from these women-hating shitheads. Says one republican lawmaker in Texas: "We need to enact legislation to regulate the purchase and sale of tampons. Women cannot go around just buying tampons as they please. That is why I am passing legislation which will enact a full comprehensive background check and waiting period before the purchase of any tampon. Oh, and don't bother going to Mexico, tampons are illegal in Mexico." Women, let me tell you that I can't wait until my next period. I am going to projectile bleed all over the Texas legislature until I get my way. Perhaps you have heard of a filibuster? Well, get ready for a flowibuster! Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for a bleed-in!

Next topic: Chechnian terror bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine...(http://news.yahoo.com/bomber-rock-star-rolling-stone-cover-outrage-205944319.html?bcmt=comments-postbox)This caused a lot of controversy among many people. Well, let me tell you that I fully support Rolling Stone magazine. Any magazine that bashes Republicans such as George W. Bush and Mitt Romney and unilaterally praises all Democrats such as Barack Obama and John Kerry is okay with me. Whenever I read Rolling Stone, I always say to myself, "Finally an unbiased news magazine that unobjectively presents the facts!" I don't know about you, but Dzhokhar Tsanaev is just about the hippest, hottest terrorist right now. I admire his boyish good looks and devil-may-care personality. I've even heard that he is collaborating with Kanye West to produce an album of his manifesto set to a background of all the hottest beats produced by such luminaries as Dre and Timbaland. Without even hearing it, I've already proclaimed it to be the number one album of 2014! I like Rolling Stone...it discusses music as well as it discusses news.

Parking attendant sues drivers for feeding meters...(http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/city-sues-robin-hood-group-over-parking-meter-223952852.html?bcmt=comments-postbox) I say, "good!" People need to stop driving. Anybody who drives needs to be punished. Anything we can do to make life more miserable for drivers is wonderful. That's why I am lobbying for the government to mandate that all new vehicles be installed with a giant spike in the seat so that when you sit on it, it'll go right up your ass. This business of feeding meters affects innocent bystanders as well...says one parking meter maid: "Because these people are depositing money into these meters, it is causing stress in me. Over the last 3 weeks, I've gained 60 lbs, developed heart palpitations, I've gone deaf in one ear, my legs stopped working, I cry more often, I don't enjoy sex anymore, I can't get an erection, I've miscarried 5 times, I've started drinking heavily, and I have terrible hives and I'm too scared to go outside. The only thing that will cure me is if I sue these people for 1 billion dollars." Well, I say, "You go, girl!" I hate the fact that you can't get an erection! You deserve every penny.

That's all for tonight...until next time, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off!

1/256th Black Like Me

Many people don't know this, but I have my finger on the pulse of the African American community. Everything the African American contingency has experienced I can relate to as well. You see, I am an African-American. It's true. My great great great grandfather was 1/16th African. 1/16th of my great great great grandfather was brought over on a slave ship and beaten mercilessly by white slaveowners. I know, many of you may say, "Jeez, Hippie Liberal Feminist, you sure look white to me!". Well, you're wrong. How dare you degrade me. But I should know why you do this. It's because I'm black. Well, you can kiss my black ass.

So recently, when I heard that 50 Cent was visiting the Brooklyn Boys and Girls Club and giving a free concert, I was naturally pleased by this. If anybody knows the trials and tribulations of all African Americans in this United States, it's 50 Cents. He has the kind of fresh, hip-hop, urban, streetwise appeal that is rapidly becoming the voice of a generation. What's even better was the fact that he debuted some new material off his next album which is entitled "Fuck Everything". He debuted some hot new tracks, such as "Bitch Has Cancer", and "I Want To Punch You In The Vagina" featuring Lood Behavior, Ghetto-Kru, DJ Chocolate, The Original Fornicator, Bone, Thugs, and Harmony, Nigger Mortis, Rape-Master Larceny, Insane Clown Posse, and Barbra Streisand. He also had a special opening act for him, which was also a wonderful treat for the audience. He's a hot new talent from Delano, California, and his name is MC Fecal Matter. He debuted his hot fresh new cut entitled "Two Burps and a Fart" in which he samples himself burping twice and farting once and sets the melody to some phat beetz. The street date for this release is Tuesday, November 5th, 2013. It's avaiable on CD and LP. Expect to hear this fascinating track on the radio really soon. For this release, MC Fecal Matter himself personally has shat in each and every single CD case and LP sleeve.

I don't know about you, but I hope to be hearing "Bitch Has Cancer" on all the radio stations really soon. "Bitch Has Cancer" is a powerful testament to the struggle of the modern African American in the United States today. It's also in the words of 50 Cent, about "this dumb bitch I once fucked and got cancer. I was like, when I heard this, 'Good! Hope you die, dumb bitch!'" Some may say it's misogynistic, but I'm willing to look the other way when oppressed minorities display this kind of behavior. We should be easier on them. They are minorities. Their lives are hard enough as it is. White America has oppressed them. In a way, it's white America who is the "dumb bitch". I think that's what 1 Dollar and Fifty Cent is really trying to say.

Until next time, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off!

I'm a Proud PETA-phile!

Yesterday, I was at Golden Gate Fields at the horse races protesting the events. How dare we subjugate animals such as horses and make them compete in a death match against each other for our own petty amusement! Instead of racing each other, why don't we make the horses cooperate in the spirit of brotherhood and promote love and peace? Now that is something I would pay to watch!

But what astonished me the most was when I found out that if a horse breaks his/her leg, the horse is shamelessly euthanized! Now, I have no problem euthanizing elderly people who have surpassed their useful life and are taking up valuable housing space which could be used by low-income residents and undocumented migrant workers, but when it comes to animals, I have serious issues with this. Just because a horse has a broken leg, doesn't mean that he/she can't still continue to live a useful life. That is why I have decided to open up a disabled life sanctuary...because together, I believe we can make life ADA-compliant.

At my disabled life sanctuary, I have all sorts of handi-capable life forms with all sorts of mental and physical ailments. I'm currently housing a 7 year old redwood tree (male) that survived a forest fire and must now deal with the loss of his parents and siblings. He has an extreme case of PTSD and must now learn to cope with life after the loss of his family. We have this redwood tree undergoing intensive psycho-analytic therapy and I am happy to say that he seems to be dealing well, and when he is cured, we are going to set him free in the ocean, where he will finally enjoy freedom and be rid of the roots that shackle him to the Earth.

Other life forms we have here are clams with gender-identity crises, sheep with Tourette's syndrome, cats with schizophrenia, and monkeys with seizures. Recently, we also had an earthworm that was involved in a serious car accident. She/He was in the backseat in a tackle box coming back after a fishing trip. She/He was rushed to our clinic where she/he was immediately placed into traction. However, the earthworm's condition was too delicate. Too much traction was applied and the earthworm snapped in two. Luckily, we are happy to say that one of the pieces survived and this earthworm is slowly regenerating her/himself. We expect a full recovery within a few weeks.

A clam was recently admitted. He/she (clams are hemaphroditic) was an active member of the LGBT clam community. He/she wanted a sexual reassignment procedure so that he/she could become she/he. We opted for the minimally invasive option in which the clam is simply turned upside down. We are happy to say that this clam is now living her/his life with great satisfaction, giving new meaning to the term, "happy as a clam!" With help from LGBT superstar Chaz Bono, this clam is now making lots of waves.

So there you have it. Please support my cause. We are located at the corner of 45th Avenue and Sloat Boulevard in San Francisco. Oh, and go screw yourself, Feminist Hippie Liberal, you are a douche.

I'm An Obama-girl In The Obama-world! (Life In Plastic, It's Fantastic!)

Recently, congress and the senate are working on passing the wonderful new law called Obama-care. This is fantastic because now everyone to include wymyn, chyldryn, the poor, the disabled, illegal immigrants, animals, plants, funguses, intelligent machines, unintelligent machines, and rocks will have access to affordable healthcare (I recently took my block of gypsum basalt in for a routine checkup). I love how Barack Obama put his name on this health care plan. I also love how when he created the Obama-phone program, he put his name on that too. I see a trend here and I think I like it. So far we have Obama-phone and Obama-Care. I say, why stop there? I think that we should petition the government to have Obama supply us with everything we need; food, water, housing, school, transportation, entertainment and air. And then we should petition the government to name it after Obama.

As you know, capitalism is a complete failure and needs to be remedied. Strict communism is the answer. That is why we need to demolish all homes from the biggest mansion to the tiniest studio apartment and start over. We need to build equal size apartment spaces for everybody and force them to live in them. I propose that we call these Obama-homes. Once you're there, what do you eat? The answer is simple: Obama-food. Every week, you would get 21 cans of Obama-food that contain all 24 essential nutrients and vitamins. There is only one flavor, and the flavor of the food is called 'Obama-flavored'. It's Obama-approved by the Food, Drug, and Obama Administration. What if you get bored? That's no problem, you can always turn on the TV and watch Obama-tainment! You like sports? You can watch your local sports team, the Los Angeles Obama play their rival, the San Francisco Obama in a rousing game of Obama-ball! My dream is that everybody will live this way. Some may argue that something like this happened in the Soviet Union. Experts have written numerous dissertations on why communism is a failure and will never work. My repsonse is simply that they are wrong and stupid.

Well that's all I have for now. As always, this is Hippie Liberal Femninist keeping up the fight for the underrepresented 99%!

Big Brother Knows Best

So recently, George Zimmerman was acquitted of the heinous murder of Trayvon Martin. Trayvon Martin was peacefully gallivanting along the streets of Sanford, Florida, when George Zimmerman pounced upon him and murdered him out of pure hate for black people. George Zimmerman, even though he is supposedly half-Hispanic, is being considered white by all of the media, as he should be. The white portion of George Zimmerman committed the murder, not the Hispanic person. You see, this is all easier to understand if you realize that George Zimmerman is really two people, a racist white person and an innocent oppressed person of color.

The white George Zimmerman is the one who committed the murder. When the media reported Trayvon Martin was murdered by a white man, they weren't manipulating the truth in order to expediently racialize a story in order to create a news story which would then fuel their news profits at the risk of racially polarizing the US, they were reporting the truth! Only white people are racist, and only white people commit hate crimes. What is a hate crime? A hate crime is a crime committed when hate is the motive. That's different than a normal crime, when a normal, non-racial hate is involved. Normal non-racial hate is the best kind of hate, because it's not racist.

The other George Zimmerman was the Hispanic George Zimmerman. If George Zimmerman was attacked, let's say, by a white person, then the news story would have been "Hispanic person attacked by white person." But how can George Zimmerman be a white person in one news event and a Hispanic person in another event? This is the dual nature of George Zimmerman.  Nobody knows who or what George Zimmerman really is. Is he white or hispanic? Is he a wave or a particle? Scientists have not been able to figure out the true nature of George Zimmerman. It can only be explained by the fact that George Zimmerman is really two people.

The other controversy is the Stand Your Ground law. It claims that if you are attacked, then you don't have to flee and you can defend yourself at your location. Well, I must say that this is an extremely bad thing. As you know, I support the unanimous outlawing of guns. Nobody should be allowed to own any guns whatsoever...If you are attacked, don't defend yourself. It will only make it worse, and the criminal will only want to hurt you more. People may ask, well, what about karate? Martial arts? The science of self-defense? Well I say bullshit! I will never condone the art or science of more violence. Can you believe they actually reward you for progressing in these vulgar arts of throwing punches and kicks with belts? Well I've designed a new art of self-defense. I've recently opened up a new studio dedicated to defending yourself without violence. It's called "Hippie Liberal Feminist's Studio of Non-Violent Conflict Resolution". At our studios, we teach students how to avoid and peacefully resolve conflict. For example, when students are potentially confronted with a robber, I teach them the following moves: The "curl-up in a ball and cry maneuver", the "throw cash at the assailant and hope he goes away maneuver", and the "Pee your pants and make yourself so pathetic he goes away maneuver". These are all moves which I have successfully taught students. But enough about me telling you about my newly-created form of non-martial arts, here's what my students have to say!

"My husband used to beat me up quite often...if I burnt dinner, or didn't make his drink quite the way he liked it, it would be, 'Uh-oh, punch city!'. But now that I've discovered Hippie Liberal Feminist's new form of non-violent conflict resolution, I've learned to quietly deal with it and not do anything to disturb those awkward silences at the dinner table. I can curl myself into a ball and cry in 0.8 seconds and throw cash and credit cards so hard they stick to the wall! Thanks, Hippie Feminist Liberal!" -Jane, 37, Redwood City, CA

"My boyfriend abuses me quite frequently. Whenever he gets a little rough, I just slam my face down on the table and pretend to be dead until he goes away. Hippie Liberal Feminist taught me this technique. My life has since improved dramatically." -Rita, 24, El Cerrito, CA

"Recently, the owner of our restaurant where we work made several cutbacks to benefits including cutbacks in health care and retirement due to the bad economy. He claimed that these were necessary because of lack of funds necessary to finance these options. Well I said, 'Bullshit!'. And with the help of Hippie Liberal Feminist, we staged a 'cry-in' where all of us workers locked hands and blocked the entrance to the Taco Bell that he owned and cried and pouted for hours. We also peed ourselves right by the soda machine and got this greedy fuck shut down by the health department. Thanks so much, Hippie Liberal Feminist!" -Yolanda, 47, Daly City

So there you have it. Call me at 1-800-872-7466 today and leave a message.

Hugo, Girl! (Hey Cancer, Why Don't You Just Go Fuck Yourself!)

Recently, Hugo Chavez died. Now I was very sad about this, because he was my socialist idol. He took from the rich and gave to the poor. And you know what I say? Good. The rich deserve it. Every rich person who has ever existed anywhere is pure concentrated evil. They are selfish, greedy individuals who love to exploit the working class to fulfill their own desires. What has Bill Gates ever done for anybody? Does he ever contribute to any charity? No, he lives alone in an ivory tower high upon a hill where he spends all day counting his money. And poor people? They are always innocent. Nobody who is poor can ever be evil. You may ask, "well what about prison inmates? Don't they normally come from disadvantaged families?" Well, this is a prime example of the truth not being what it seems. Inmates are modern slaves who are just merely pawns of exploitation in the military-prison-industrial complex (the military-industrial complex and the prison-industrial complex just merged).

Hugo Chavez died of cancer, which is a terrible way to die. Cancer murdered this century's left wing Robin Hood, which is why I hate cancer even more. I hate cancer so much, that whenever I see a tumor, I immediately run up and punch the tumor, and then proclaim, with great anger, "Damn you cancer!! Why don't you go fuck yourself?!" It doesn't matter if there's a person on the outside of the tumor. You may have seen shirts or bumper stickers that say "F*ck Cancer". Well I am starting a new campaign to take it to the extreme...not just with cancer, but other diseases as well. I mean, why stop there? How about, "I hope you get murdered, Gonorrhea!" or "You go screw yourself, Scoliosis!" or "Eat shit and die, scurvy!". But the worst is AIDS. Ooh, how I hate AIDS. That's why I am copyrighting a new slogan for AIDS awareness. The new slogan is, "Hey AIDS, I hope somebody rapes you and gives you AIDS, AIDS!"

But the real tragedy is the death of Hugo Chavez...he instituted many programs to feed the poor, clothe the naked, and bathe the dirty. Many critics of Hugo Chavez contend that he was a notorious human rights abuser. But what the Fox News pundits fail to report was that he only abuses the human rights of those individuals who disagreed with his policies! And who are those who disagreed with his policies? Anti-Chavez activists. Anti-Chavez activists are against the policies of Hugo Chavez; in other words, they are against policies of bathing the dirty, feeding the hungry, and clothing the naked. You don't people to starve, do you? Because you must want them to be, if you hate Hugo Chavez.

Well that is all for now...once again, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist, signing off. And remember, go fuck yourself, cancer! And you too, Liberal Feminist Hippie!!

Go Go James Franco

Recently, Danica Patrick qualified for a pole position at NASCAR. Doubtless there are some racist, sexist, ignorant red-necks who think the only pole position Danica Patrick is qualified to attend is at a strip-club, but that is just so typical of the white republican (I have so little respect for republicans, that I won't even capitalize their name!!) conglomerate who elected Bush to two terms. They love to stereotype (which is the worst kind of action anyone can do) anybody who doesn't think, act, or look like they do. That is the basic composition of NASCAR fans. They are all backwoods red-neck creeps.

So when Danica Patrick started at the NASCAR 5000 game the other day, it posed a conundrum to the status quo. No longer could the announcer say, "Gentlemen, please start your cars." he/she had to modify the announcement to be sensitive to the needs of wymyn, children, and the disabled. Who to pick to make this announcement? And what would this individual say? Well, they chose wisely by selecting none other than James Franco to make the announcement. I don't know what it is, but there is something about this kid that I like. He is equal parts James Dean, Elvis Presley, and that kid with Down's Syndrome who played Corky on ABC's Life Goes On in the early 1990s. To start the NASCAR 50000 game, he made the announcement, "Danica and gentlemen, please start your cars." Very nice and diplomatic. Not what I would have said, but still, I like it. Why? It's because he said "Danica" first and "gentlemen" second, thereby giving Danica the slight competitive edge over the male-dominated conglomerate who devote their entire lives suppressing the rights of wymyn, the disabled, animals, plants, intelligent and unintelligent machines, the LGBT community, and the disabled again. This little bit of a head start was a step in the right direction to make up for centuries of oppression of wymyn by men. Also, he put Danica on an equal plane to all gentlemen. He basically claimed that all gentlemen are equal to one Danica. You go girl!!

What would I have said? I would have said this: "Danica and the white Anglo-Saxon Protestant male chauvinistic capitalist greedy pig scum fucks, start your fossil-fuel driven environment-kiling machines supported by greedy oil companies such as Halliburton who were ran by Dick Cheney and other Bush cronies who have sent millions of our children to their death by fighting unjust, illegal, and immoral wars in Afghanistan and Iraq!" Then I would have lectured the audience for the next half-hour about wymyn's rights and LGBT rights and how all military service-members are baby-killing war criminals. And for the finale, I would have demanded that they legalize abortion.

Well, James Franco, as you know, is the master of diplomacy. Much better than I am. That is why he is James Franco. I may be smarter, but he is the fresh-faced, slack-jawed, collar-turned-up, young upstart that is rapidly becoming the voice of a generation. I say we nominate him for the spokesperson of not only NASCAR, but of the United States, and all of humanity as well. In fact, I think we should shoot James Franco into outer space so that he can become the goodwill ambassador of Planet Earth! Then he can lecture our brethren from other planets about the rights of the disabled, wymyn, children, and the LGBT community.

Well this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off once again!! Accept no substitutes!! Be aware of the other blogger named Feminist Hippie Liberal! She is a full time liar and bitch. I am the real deal.

Pepper Spray Got Me Down

The nationwide Occupy protests have slowed down somewhat, but my passion for fighting the dispassionate, immoral, destructive, racist, sexist, homophobic, military-industrialist, capitalist machine has not. The CEOs of all these major corporations are evil, greedy, capitalists who would love nothing more than to enslave the poor working class just so that they can make an extra dollar and buy and peddle influence in Congress in order to further their own agenda. That is why I set a newspaper stand on fire in Oakland...to send a message to those bastards. Hopefully, the CEOs of all those oil companies and banks noticed what I did and thought, "Hmm. Hippie Liberal Feminist just burnt down another newspaper stand. Maybe I should stop my evil ways."

As a radical feminist, I love to demonstrate and protest pretty much anything I can get my hands on. War in Iraq? Protested it. War in Afghanistan? Protested it. NRA? Protested them. War on Drugs? Protested it. War on carpet stains? Protested that too. We are always declaring war on things in this country. We need to stop this madness and find a peaceful resolution to carpet stains.

I took part in the Occupy Davis protests last year. I was one of the victims who was casually sprayed with pepper spray by that cop, who is nothing more than a puppet boy for the cold-hearted capitalist Bush regime. Even though Bush is no longer president, I still blame him for everything that goes wrong.

Well let me tell you that getting sprayed by pepper spray was the worst thing ever! We were persecuted for our beliefs and for who we were! Now I know how Martin Luther King felt when he was sitting in that restaurant in Alabama in 1965!! I was so traumatized by this pepper spraying event that now I can't even look at a pepper shaker without bursting into tears! When I was watching television the other day I saw a performance by the seminal 1990s group Salt-n-Pepa, I began to fear for my life!! My friends say that I have PTSD and that I should sue. So that is what I did! I have deep seated psychological wounds akin to combat veterans that only more money can heal!

I figured that I would call a good lawyer and that we would lowball the suit at first. That is why we sued the University of California at Davis for 4 billion dollars. I figured that the students and I were entitled to monetary compensation for our suffering. Pepper spray in case you don't know is a potent toxin that kills 4 million people in the United States every year. Besides the physical injuries that I sustained, there are deep emotional and psychological injuries as well. I recently learned how to walk again after being paralyzed for 2 weeks. I am also learning how to speak again and learning how to laugh and love again. Pepper spray stopped all that, but I am coming back. I used to spend most of my days crying, vivid memories of students being mildly irritated by that potent toxin seared in my memory. But my friends said, "Be strong like we know you can be! Don't let pepper spray ruin your life!" So now it is so. I'm back, I've regained full use of my legs and I've defeated pepper spray. The cops (all of whom I think should be disarmed) haven't won, but I'll explore that at another time.

Until next time, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off.

OK Computard (Artificial Down's Syndrome)

Eventually, as machines and technology become more advanced, there will come a point when artificial intelligence evolves and machines will learn to think for themselves. It is important that we give equal rights and protection to our future robotic citizens. We must protect them from discrimination, give them affordable housing, and extend equal marriage rights to them. And not only must we protect the rights of intelligent machines, but we must protect the rights of unintelligent machines as well. We can't be discriminatory against those less fortunate machines who were perhaps, deprived of a little silicon in their creation?

I call them disabled machines. But the inconsiderate vulgar fuckheads at Fox News call them such things as "objects" or "machines" (but in a derogatory tone, however). However, it is up to us as civilized human beings to treat these handi-capable machines as people! We cannot discriminate against our toaster, our doorbell, our video cassette player, or our AM/FM radio alarm clock. Just because they are inanimate, doesn't mean they don't have feelings too! That is why I vote we extend equal rights to all technological beings, regardless of intelligence, sexual persuasion, or operating voltage. Is your electric shaver 110 volts or 220 volts? Does it matter? Some may go both ways, but we should love them just the same.

Do you want to marry your smartphone? Or perhaps you just want to have a one-night stand and fuck the shit out of your Roomba? Or perhaps you want to be in a menage-a-trois with an Easy-bake oven and a Speak and Spell? Most men's testicles will fit right in the battery compartment. Or perhaps you're feeling a little kinky and want to teabag your 6 year-old's Teddy Ruxpin! What I like doing is to get my DVD player and my BETAMax player to be intimate. Most people would accuse the BETAMax player of being a pedophile (since it's 1970s technology and quite old relative to the DVD player), but that's another issue that I will cover at another time.

Anyway, this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off, and as always, be wary of my arch-nemisis, Feminist Liberal Hippie...Ooh how I hate her. She believes the same things that I do, but she says them in a different way than I do, which is not my way.

Liberals. We're Just Plain Better!

God. What about God? There is no God. When will people realize that religion enslaves people? Communion. Take communion for example...it's a Catholic ceremony in which the priest gives you a small bread-like disk to eat. But what is it really? It's a religious roofie. So that God can get you to trust him while he ends up ass-raping you while you're passed out on the sofa at 4 AM in the morning in a Las Vegas Hotel the night after my sister's wedding. Well, trust me, religion is a lie! There is no God! It's a fairy tale. We humans are at the center of the universe. And anybody who doesn't think so should be convinced or killed! Why not? The church did it when they tried to suppress Gailieo and Copernicus's scientific discoveries in the 1500s! Now, it's the scientists turn.

Barack Obama is the Greatest Person to Ever Have Lived

So I'm back. I know the entire city of San Francisco appears to have missed me based on the number of replies I have gotten (which is one). Obviously the people of San Francisco have stopped caring about liberalism and are starting to recede back into conservatism. Well, I will have to stop that, even if I have to steal, cheat, and lie in order to promulgate the truth.

So Barack Obama is president. Have you heard the news? This is great. Barack Obama is absolutely the answer to everything we need right now. Some critics have argued that he had his chance in his first term, so why should we give him more time? Well I say, give him all the time he needs!! If he needs a third or a fourth term, then I say that we should re-write the constitution to allow him to serve those terms!! In fact, I think that just before he dies, we should have him cryogenically frozen so that he can be be re-thawed in the year 2500 so that he can serve in the future as well! It is up to Barack Obama alone to fix the United States. Fortunately for us, he is a superior being who was informed by God (who I don't believe in because I am an atheist) through a beam of light that he would be president someday. Do I believe this story? Yes. Do I believe in God? No, not normally, except I do believe that she did exist for one split second only to tell Barack Obama that he would be president before going back into non-existence again. Well, it's true that Barack Obama can work miracles. I read a story about a woman who had cancer went to visit Barack Obama. When she met him, beams of light shined from out of Obama's ass and cured her cancer. I also heard that he will also use beams of light to raise tax rates for the wealthy while increasing spending and still be able to fund all government programs!

Well as always, this is hippie liberal feminist signing off.