Don't Rape Ape

Now when it comes to the military and the service members, everybody knows I'm not a big fan. Sexual assaults and harassments are on the rise exponentially everyday. Recently I read in my favorite internet news source, the San Francisco Liberal Reactionary, that over one out of three all service members get raped at some point in their career. But the news gets worse. With many taking muscle supplements and working out more, testosterone levels are increasing and that number is expected to quadruple in the next 10 to 15 years. So in other words, by 2030, 4 out of 3 service members will be raped. Last year alone, over 1 billion in the US military were raped. Some military leaders believe that rapes are under-reported. Others believe that they are over-reported. I believe that not only are rapes under-reported, but the term rape is under-defined. If a superior yells at you, is that not a case of rape of the ears? If a person looks at you funny, is that not rape of the eyes? If a person smells bad, is he not raping your nose? I believe it is. That is why when I was at the gym the other day and somebody who was sweaty walked by me, I immediately shouted "Rape! Rape! Help! This man is fucking my nose! Help! Police! Stop this man from fucking my nose!"

The military only encourages this with its laddish behavior. Rape indoctrination begins at basic training where recruits run through obstacle courses and rape life-size models of the Taliban and Al Qaeda. Then they promptly return to their training centers where their sergeant instructors rape them. Then they go to the chow hall where they rape their food. You might commonly hear some service members say, "Oh, I just got my orders and I just got raped." One who is unfamiliar with the terminology might take this as a casual metaphor to a brutal crime. But in fact, it is not a metaphor, but rather, a veritable confession! So the next time you hear someone say, "I got raped.", immediately get them a warm blanket and some hot cocoa, and tell them, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." and comfort them.

Rape has become such an institutional problem in the military, that they have now come up with a new program to get service-members off the rape kick and on to other activities. That's why the genius at the public affairs office have come up with a new mascot. He is a giant friendly ape and he is called "Don't Rape Ape". He goes around visiting units and tells them, "Instead of raping people, how about you go for a nice picnic instead?" or "Rape less and exercise more!"

Well as always this is Hippie Liberal Feminist signing off!